Daze Off & Recovering Self-Worth [F]

I have had two long and enjoyable days off (so far) this week. I actually have 5 days off total in one week which is as rare for me as the Super Blue Blood Moon eclipse we had recently [Mon; company day off/fishing/staff party, Tue; Waitangi Day/Chef house BBQ, Thu-Fri; my regular shift days off, and Sunday; my requested day off]. Sunday night, finished work at 1am, woke up at 5am to meet at work by 6am for fishing trip, and after the fishing trip it was straight to the staff party which I didn’t leave until 2am. I had to book a hotel room in the inner city, next to the Civic, because I was too drunk to drive (thanks Viviana). The next morning I had to walk 5 km uphill to find my parked car so I could go back home quick, change, come back in to the city to pick up a work-colleague (Marin, ungrateful brat), then head to a BBQ to enjoy the fish that was caught. I wore my red shades all day to hide my tired eyes. Hopefully they doubled as swagger.

Laughed with many people. Did many cool and sometimes helpful things no one will remember because alcohol. Days have been good but I could have made them better if I was more confident I think. Yeah, that’s the thought ruminating in my mind in this moment. Plus thoughts about a girl I work with. She always seems to be happy. I never approached her. Stupid, self-defeating shyness. But aside from, I have had two days of fun activity! If feeling like a retrospective shit is the byproduct of that, I’m a better person for it. Discomfort is the compost that fertilizes ambition, surely. And bolsters confidence.

Three things have occurred to me while sitting here writing that I feel I just might act upon soon. 1: I am super tired and should probably honour my bodies need to sleep. 2: I need to redirect and balance the things I give my time to. 3. I have been giving too much of my time to this menial job and I am disappointed with what is reciprocated. Fun activities! Yes! Amazing people! Yes! Personal compromises! Yes! Underachieving me! Yes! It is about high time I recovered from this daze and confusion, to improve myself.

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~ by Fionnlagh on February 7, 2018.

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