To Daze Off & Recovering Self-Worth [F]

I have had two long and enjoyable days off (so far) this week. I actually have 5 days off total in one week which is as rare for me as the Super Blue Blood Moon eclipse we had recently (Mon; company day off/fishing/staff party, Tue; Waitangi Day/Chef house BBQ, Thu-Fri; my regular shift days off, and Sunday; my requested day off). From last Sunday closing to now, I have had five shitty hours of sleep. Laughed with many people. Did many cool and sometimes helpful things no one will remember because alcohol. And right now I feel like a brooding a-hole who wants to write about not doing the things he had wished he had done and the things he wished he had the courage to say to the people he wished he knew better and perhaps had a more intimate relationship with (really don’t want this post to turn into another rant though…am I too late?). In short, duplicity. Days have been good but I could have made them better if I was more confident I think. Yeah, that’s the thought ruminating in my mind in this moment — about a girl I like. I am too dumb/me to do anything about that though. Seriously considering reducing my hours because that would cut on the time I would likely see her around (work and invitations to other staff related events) and thus cut the time I feel like a shy and jealous, self-piteous manchild in her presence. But aside from, I have had two days of fun activity! If feeling like a retrospective shit is the byproduct of that, I’m a better person for it. Discomfort is the compost that fertilizes ambition, surely.

Three things have occurred to me while sitting here writing that I feel I just might act upon soon. 1: I am super tired and should probably honour my bodies need to sleep. 2: I need to redirect and balance the things I give my time to. 3. I have been giving too much of my time to this menial job and I am disappointed with what is reciprocated. Fun activities! Yes! Amazing people! Yes! Personal compromises! Yes! Underachieving me… Yes! It is about high time I recovered from this fictitious daze and confusion. Improve myself.

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~ by Fionnlagh on February 7, 2018.

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